Today might be the day you decide to cut toxic people out of your life — to clean house and ditch those friends that cause you stress and aggravation. Who needs them, right? That’s fantastic! But, what if its actually you who is the toxic friend? What if you’re the problem?
The term “toxic friend” is now widely used and sometimes, misused. We are quick to label people as ‘toxic,’ but should we also be looking at ourselves when determining who it is that is toxic?
“It’s not that the whole person is toxic. Rather, their behavior is toxic or your relationship with the person is toxic. Often the person is deeply wounded and for whatever reason, they are not yet able to take responsibility for their wounding, their feelings, their needs and their subsequent problems in life. They may over-identify and act out the parts of who they are, such as the victim, bully, perfectionist or martyr, she said. “They act from these parts trying to get their needs met, albeit in an extremely unhealthy way.” – Jodie Gale, MA, Psychotherapist and life coach.
According to Gale, it’s common for people with toxic behavior to:
- create drama in their lives or be surrounded by it
- try to manipulate or control others
- be needy (“it is all about them all the time”)
- use others to meet their needs (such as “narcissistic parents”)
- be extremely critical of themselves and others
- be jealous and envious of others, bemoaning their bad fortune and others’ good fortune
Obviously, in a relationship that is legitimately toxic, at least one person has to be the source of the toxicity. Could it be you? While it’s not easy to engage in acute self-criticism and self-realization, that is precisely what is called for if you want to determine if you’re the source of the difficulty.
We’re all guilty of some of these behaviors at some point in our life, but if they become habitual and ingrained in how we speak and act, that can lead to serious relationship issues. It’s time to take a step back, observe yourself and figure out whether you’re the creator of the toxicity in your own life when you see the following:
You always seem to be focusing on the negative
Do you always talk about how everything is bad and wrong, while your focus on the good and positive becomes less and less?
You blame your problems on everyone else
One of the red-flag signs of a toxic person is externalizing responsibility for everything that goes wrong. Think about it honestly: do you find that in all of the arguments and disagreements you have, someone else is always to blame and it’s never really you. When your plans with friends go awry, do you immediately find a scapegoat and put all the blame on them?
It’s highly unlikely that others are always to blame for problems, but when we do just that, we are in fact the one creating the toxicity.
You get mad at friends easily
Toxic friends seem to always get angry with you for the smallest things you do. If you frequently snap at or belittle your friends, then you’re being toxic. Friends help and support each other, so if you discover that you regularly create hostility over minor things, then you could very well be that “toxic friend.”
You talk about yourself too much
A friend who is always bringing the conversation back to themselves may not always be “toxic” per se, but doing so is in many ways, a toxic behavior. When we focus solely on ourselves, we’re actually preventing other’s from sharing, venting and engaging.
You never listen to any of your friend’s problems
A toxic friend is quick to call when something is wrong or they need help, but they will rarely be there for you. Do you find that you expect your friends to be there for you, but you don’t return the courtesy? If your friends reach out to you and you blow them off more often than not, it’s you who is the bad friend.
You regularly talk behind people’s backs
In healthy relationships, things are discussed more openly and honestly. If you lean more toward gossip and bad-mouthing people behind their backs, you’re demonstrating toxic behavior.
Admitting that it might be we who are the toxic element is not pleasant. And of course, there are many signs pointing to a truly toxic relationship — but overall, if you’re taking far more than you’re giving in a relationship, the toxic person may very well be you. When we encounter difficulties in a healthy relationship, sometimes we have to ask “gee, maybe I’m the problem?” Perhaps you are, or maybe you’re not — the good news is, the mere fact that you ask the question means you do care and you do have a sound understanding of what “healthy relationship” means.
Signs You’re Surrounded by a Toxic Person at explained in PsychCentral:
- You’re emotionally affected by their drama
- You dread (or fear) being around them
- You’re exhausted or you feel angry while you’re with them or after your interaction
- You feel bad or ashamed about yourself
- You’re stuck in a cycle of trying to rescue, fix or care for them.
- The other person doesn’t respect the word “No” as a complete sentence
- When you’re with them, you feel like you’re “walking on eggshells”
- You ignore your own values
- You emotionally “check out”
- You feel like you’re being controlled, or you’re being overly controlling.
When it comes to toxic behaviors, there are many causes — if at any time we feel we’re becoming overly negative, hostile or aggressive, consulting with a qualified Therapist is always best. We should remember that where emotions, are concerned, getting professional support should always be an option.
Read more on toxic relationships at Psychology Today.